fuck

i am such a faggot

why am i still sad over this

why did i trip over something i didn't even remember you saying

mother, i love you
i love you

but i do not care if you're comfortable with my decisions

they're my decisions, and they will not falter at your hands

i can't put your happiness before mine any longer
and
i'm not sorry

you've made me want you
or maybe not you specifically, but
you've made me want

i saw her face and i thought of you and i was terrified and sick

i feel a little cheated because the first minute of my eighteenth birthday was pointlessly sweet

you're a far cry from ava gardner
(you have body freckles and you haven't fucked sinatra)

well, that was nice

i have put in a valiant effort not to judge you, and it usually works

occasionally i resent you

occasionally i hate you

occasionally i'm fucking terrified of you

occasionally i think you are a beautiful person--passionate, angry, bursting with the recklessness i have always avoided

but most times i realize i don't know you at all, and say nothing

i can't give this to you as we are

this is my most precious secret, something i can only tell once, something i can only whisper in the quietest of moments

something small

something revolutionary

it's not yours, not yet

it's been eighteen years

the truth is this: i am simply tired of being your friend

i have always been fond of the sound of broken cigarettes

that tiny rustle
not devastating
not remarkable

what kind of statement can you make with a sound so small

new years resolutions

1. write something absolutely fucking awesome every day
2. learn to dance
3. read a book so great that i want to tattoo it all over my body
4. tattoo a great book all over my body
5. be just a little bit more defiant
6. get into college
7. survive college
8. don't flunk out of college
9. tear it up on the harmonica
10. make this year remarkable